By David Futrelle
Now, I don’t consider myself an expert on dating, but after spending a couple of hours looking through an assortment of messages that weird and confused would-be-suitors have sent to women online, and which have subsequently been posted to Reddit’s CreepyPMs and BadWomensAnatomy subreddits, it’s become clear that at the very least I am more of an expert than these guys.
It’s bad enough that dudes send creepy messages to women; it’s somehow even worse when they combine creepiness with serious ignorance about cis women’s anatomy. So I would like to offer two related bits of advice to the guys out there sending these messages.
- Spend a few minutes reading up on the basics of cis women’s reproductive systems. Learn to tell the difference between the clit and the cervix, for example, and at least roughly know where the uterus is.
- Do not mention any of these things in your opening message to a woman. Especially the words “cervix” and “uterus.” Indeed, steer clear of any references whatsoever to her anatomy in that general region down there.
Because otherwise you might find yourself writing messages like the ones below — none of which, you should know, had the desired effect upon their recipients. (A word of warning: Most of these are messages are extremely NSFW, though the women posting them happily spared us any of the dick pics they may have gotten with them.)
The first mistake this fellow made was suggesting that his “probe” might help a woman who had complained online about having a sore throat. The second mistake was, well, pretty much every word he wrote.
Dudes, how about we just agree that you never mention the clit at all?
This fellow ruined his chances of scoring a date by breaking the “don’t talk about the uterus” rule. Though, to be fair, his chances were probably ruined long before he got to that particular word.
Somehow this other dude managed to break the uterus rule even harder.
But I have to give this guy props for inventing a whole new kind of orgasm (allegedly).
Moving on to yet another of the big no-no words, this dude here seems to have a less-than-complete understanding of the cervix.
Here’s a message from a real out-of-the-box thinker.
This one is just kind of rude:
Before I wrap things up, I want to add an addendum to the rules for dudes above: Don’t talk about your semen. I know that writers are often told to “write what you know,” and while that it generally good advice, here it fails utterly.
You may be intimately familiar with your own sperm, producing numerous installments of the stuff on a daily basis, but it’s quite likely that you are wildly overestimating the interest women have in hearing about it. Even women who are into cum generally don’t want to hear about it in your introductory note.
Here’s a helpful visualization of that last guy’s messages. In the following gif, the man represents, well, the dude sending the messages; the brick represents his messages; and the washing machine represents his chances for ever getting a date with the women in question.
We Hunted the Mammoth relies entirely on readers like you for its survival. If you appreciate our work, please send a few bucks our way! Thanks!