Dontcha wish your girlfriend was an orange like me?
By David Futrelle
If you regularly partake in the Twitter, you may have seen this lovely tweet making the rounds in recent days:
Dear women
God made virgins for husbands not boyfriends. Keeping your virginity till marriage is the best gift you can give to a husband. A Virgin is more likely to have a TIGHTER connection with her husband than a LOOSE woman who has had multiple sexual partners #RenosNuggets pic.twitter.com/54PSZjno8W
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 13, 2018
More than a few people have pointed out to Mr. Omokri that vaginas are not in fact slabs of dead fish and that vagina-havers can push entire human babies through them without permanently stretched them out. “Vaginas are muscular structures, not gaping holes,” writer Leah McElrath noted in a tweet. “They are potential spaces whose size changes to accommodate what goes in or comes out (i.e. babies).”
It turns out that Omokri — a conservative Christian author — has a lot of other thoughts about women, and vaginas, and food.
In this tweet, he tries out a citrus-fruit-based metaphor that I’m still struggling to make sense of,
Dear singles
People tend to throw away an orange after they have enjoyed the juice. That is why a wise orange does not allow itself to be enjoyed until the other party has committed themselves by doing the needful. A parable on keeping your virginity until marriage #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
So ladies, don’t be slutty oranges that men will toss out after fucking once. Be monogamous oranges that men will want to keep around to … fuck again and again, I guess.
Omokri is trying to sell his readers on marriage, but he’s doing a terrible job of it. This tweet is probably the bleakest metaphor for marriage I’ve ever run across.
I just hope he doesn’t think men should be peeling the skin off their wives before enjoying their juice, as it were.
But he’s not done with the food metaphors. Hell, he’s not even done with the fruit metaphors. Here he is comparing men to fruit trees.
Dear men,
Learn from nature, instead of wasting time chasing women. A tree doesn't chase birds. It simply produces fruit and birds become attracted to it. Likewise, if you as a man will just produce the fruit of success, birds will be attracted to you #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 8, 2018
He makes the same point again in this tweet, in which he compares women to stinging insects.
Dear men,
Don't dissipate your energy chasing women. Conserve your energy and focus it on generating money. Money is like nectar and women are like bees. As long as a flower has nectar, bees will be attracted to it #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
In yet another tweet he compares women to soup because why not?
Dear ladies,
A woman who sleeps with many men reduces her chances of being married by any man. Too many cooks spoil the broth and too many men spoil a woman. If sex could give you a husband, all prostitutes would have been married #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 11, 2018
While the food metaphor is once again nonsensical and misogynistic,it’s too dumb to get outraged over. To me, the most offensive thing about this tweet is that Omokri missed the opportunity to make an obvious pun. Shouldn’t it be “too many cocks spoil the broth?” Do I have to do all the work here?
But Omokri doesn’t only compare women to bugs and foodstuff. Here he offers an even darker metaphor.
Some men think they have married wives, but what they have married are living coffins inside whom so many aborted children have been murdered. This is why it is so important to abstain from sec until marriage. So that you remain a human being. Not a coffin #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 12, 2018
While Omokri thinks the vaginas of promiscuous women are like overfucked tuna or wrung-out oranges, he has a rather more sympathetic view of the vaginas of virtuous virgins.
Dear women,
The only legal entrance from the spiritual to the physical is a woman's private part. A spirit being from God passes through your womb and then your private part to become a human baby. So don't trivialize your private part by using it for promiscuity #RenosNuggets
— Reno Omokri (@renoomokri) February 12, 2018
So, cis ladies, are you whores or virgins? Your choice, at least in Omokri’s exceedingly strange mind, will determine whether your vaginas are unappetizing foodstuffs or portals to the divine.
PS: If all the talk of sex and fruit has you turned on, you might want to check out the new sex technique that’s (allegedly) sweeping the nation. It’s called Grapefuiting. This somewhat NSFW video explains it far better than I could, though there’s a slight chance it might put you off grapefruits forever.