No-makeup selfie
Uh oh. Return of Kings writer David Garrett has uncovered a massive disinformation campaign mounted by the women of the world, a dastardly plot designed to ensnare hapless men and deprive them of their free will.
The women of the world, you see, are using both high- and low-tech trickery in an attempt to convince dudes that they are prettier than they actually are.
Through the careful use of makeup, Instagram filters, and body-squishing spandex, evil ugly women are able to convince men that they are actually attractive, Garrett warns.
And there are dire costs to the all-pervasive”physical dishonesty” of contemporary women. Like guys being tricked by “photoshopped and Wonderbra-enhanced cleavage” into dating women who are actually secret fatties.
Feminists are trying their best to convince gullible men that “fat is beautiful,” Garrett writes. But the evil femmies
can’t pull off this fraud by ideology alone, so L’Oreal, fashion illusions and digital photography come to the rescue.
Bovine-sized women or female mammals with the same mass as the ones Greenpeace tries to protect literally prop up their bodies with shape-shifting spandex (is titanium how the scientists do it?!) and try to obscure cellulite that would make the Grand Canyon jealous.
The horror!
Even worse, Garrett suggests, is that these makeup-slathered, Spanx-wearing, Instagram-filtering women may actually fool themselves into thinking they’re kind of cute.
“[S]elf-delusion amongst many women is only getting worse,” Garrett complains, “poisoning many female connections you could have otherwise pursued.”
Yes, it’s truly terrible that these women have too much self-esteem to date guys who think they’re a bunch of makeup-abusing secret uggoes.